Understanding the Past for the Present
by greysmerderfan
Summary: Meredith reveals her childhood secret to Derek.


Disclaimer: HA! Sorry, not mine.

Okay, I have to say this…I love Meredith, I love Derek and I love MerDer but after 11.03 BOTH of them are acting like children. Meredith needs to tell Derek everything about her childhood, and Derek needs to get over himself and listen to his wife.

The fic idea popped into my head after the episode, and I wanted to get it out there.

Anyways…this is a sort of, post 11.03 one-shot and what I somewhat hope happens in 11.04.

Enjoy!

* * *

><p>Nothing in Meredith's life was ever easy. From her parents divorcing, to her going to med school, becoming a doctor, meeting Derek and starting her family; everything she'd been through was a challenge.<p>

And now, between her husband wanting to move to DC and knowing she had another sister, it was like the universe hated her. Her life wasn't fair.

She understood why Derek was mad, but she wasn't going to break up their family. She wasn't going to put her kids through what she went through. Derek might resent her for not going, but if she went, she'd resent him; and there's nothing worse than growing know that your parents hated each other.

She had to tell him, what happened with her mother, because if he knew maybe he would understand why she refused to leave her home.

"You want to know why got drunk at Alex's, it's because I needed his help in proving that Dr. Pierce is my sister." She blurted out.

"Wait, how is she your sister?" He asked confused.

Meredith couldn't hide the truth any longer, he had to know.

"When I was five, my mother…" She paused, closed her eyes and took a deep breath, "My mother tried to kill herself."

Derek looked at her in shock, confusion and horror.

"After Richard wouldn't leave Adele, my mother broken and gave up…slit her wrists right."

"How do you know this?" Derek asked her quietly. Not sure he wanted to know the answer.

"I was right in front of her." She said. "When she went to the hospital, she didn't know she pregnant, and right after we moved to Boston."

"You don't remember your mom being pregnant?"

"Everything from Boston is such a blur, my childhood…I only remember my mother working all the time. Having different nannies. The rest…" She shook her head.

"I wish you would've told me sooner." He said, hurting at the thought of what she went through.

"I've tried really hard to forget about it."

"Does anyone else know?"

"No, just Richard and Alex."

"You never told Cristina?" He asked, slightly shocked.

"No, I didn't think she needed to know." She told him.

"Meredith…"

"My point it, I had no family, no friends growing up, because my mother cut every single person from our lives. I grew up alone. My parents hated each other, my father didn't care to fight for me, and my mother cared more about surgery than me. There's nothing worse than growing up with having your parents hate each other, resenting each other…and I won't have that for Bailey and Zola."

"I don't want that either."

"But you say you want me to succeed in my career, but not if it interferes with yours." She told him, angry and hurt.

Derek didn't say anything, knowing she was right on some level.

"You don't get it Derek. No matter why you do, you'll always be a world class Neurosurgeon, but me..." Meredith paused, "I'll always be knows as Ellis Grey's daughter. A shadow I can't get rid of" She said tearfully, choking up. "You know how terrifying that is, to know that no matter how hard I work, how much I push myself as a doctor, as a surgeon…" She shook her head, tears falling down her face.

"Meredith…"

"And I love you Derek, you…you're the love of my life, you changed me in ways that I didn't even think were possible, made me want think I didn't even know I wanted, but I won't live in your shadow. I refuse to be know as "Derek Shepherd's" wife." She told him tears streaming down her face.

"I don't want that for you either." Derek told her, his eyes tearing up.

"But that's what you're doing. I will never be able to be me, to achieve my own success if I don't get the chance to."

"If you really want this job, if this is your dream, then go to DC, I won't stop you. But I have to further my career here, I need to succeed on my terms without anyone's shadow."

Derek was speechless. He always knew that Meredith had a horrible childhood, that Ellis was a terrible mother, but to know that she tried to kill herself in front of her own daughter, who was young and innocent. To know Meredith's fears, he felt horrible. He loved his wife and kids more than anything; he didn't want to hurt them.

He was torn, this job was a once in a lifetime opportunity, but the though of leaving his family, not being able to wake up to Meredith each morning, not being able to see Bailey and Zola grow up made him sick to his stomach. He didn't want to be that guy who chose his career over his family.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize that I made you feel that way." He told her, sadly.

"I know you didn't." She told him, forgetting about the tears running down her face.

"Mer…" Derek said, walking up and gathering her in her arms as she buried her face in his chest and started to sob. He hated seeing her cry, hated that she was so scared and that he made her feel this way.

"Meredith. Shhh, it'll be okay." He told her, rubbing her back, kissing her head, neck and breathing her in, burying his head in her shoulder as she wrapped her arms around him.

"I'm not going to DC." He told her.

"What? Derek, I can't be the reason you're giving up your dream job." She told him.

"You're not." He said pulling back and cradling her face in his hands, "While this job, is something amazing, it's not my dream. You are. You, Zola and Bailey; our family is what I've always wanted. Being a father and husband, having a family with you is what I've always wanted."

"I don't want you to resent me for this."

"I'm not going to." He told her in reassurance, shaking his head "I can't say I'm not a little disappointed but it's a sacrifice I need to take. It's one that has to be made, that I want to make. Family is more important than work, and our family is the most important thing in my life." He told her firmly. He wasn't going to be that guy, who chose work over family; he wasn't going to make that same mistake again.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure." Derek told her, "I want you to have the chance to become the incredible surgeon I know you can be, and you need that chance here. I want our kids to grow up surrounded by family that they love and that love them, with friends and that's here. In Seattle, our home."

"I love you." She said softly.

"I love you too." He replied, as he leaned his forehead against hers.

Meredith felt like a weight was lifted off her shoulders, she wasn't sure why it took so long for her to tell Derek everything but now that he did she knew things would be okay. She knew that their marriage would be okay.

* * *

><p>I'm really hoping that Shonda doesn't fuck up MerDer more than she already has. They've been through enough, and so have we.<p> 


End file.
